The kick off
What's the score?
Ready, set, go
The game plan
Trusting your team mate
The hard yards
Lets talk about sex, baby
When is the best time to talk?
a. Quarter past 2.
b. Five minutes before his mom arrives (with Pavlova) to meet me for the first time.
c. After a big night out: before I lose the extraordinary lucidity and insight that substance, sleep deprivation and dehydration enables!
d. When we both have some time and neither of us feel time pressured or exhausted.
Where should we talk?
a. I'm staging an intervention. Don't worry. It will be private: just me, his parents, sister, nephew, two exes, his pastor and a neighbour.
b. As we retire to the boudoir to start making some sweet, sweet music. Just a little pillow talk ... as I whisper in his ear.
c. Who needs a place? I mean, I have my phone with me all the time. I'm going with text. Too flippant? Maybe a tweet.
d. Somewhere comfortable, relaxed and private.
How should I prepare?
a. You cannot overthink things, which is why I've prepared a PowerPoint presentation (with palm cards as backup in case the technology fails).
b. Watch reruns of Oz to get me that mean 'ol feeling deep in my gut so I'm just spoiling for a fight.
c. Book a massage, spray tan, wax, facial, haircut and mani-pedi. Presentation is everything.
d. Have a think through what I want, what I want to say, and how I might say it so I can speak as honestly as possible in a way that will make sense to him.
I think the conversation will go will if I ...
a. Have my lawyer draw up a contract, cross referenced against the Australian Constitution, case law and other important legal precedents.
b. Lash out, cry hysterically, throw his things out the window, storm off in a huff, then sulk.
c. Keep score. I've developed this specific formula. Look, I've made you a copy.
d. Try to stay calm and relaxed and listen to what he has to say.
They’re all ‘d’ of course!